Working on new painted portrait a bit today, titled "day job".  Yesterday, I showed a co-worker my progress on the portrait and a few more pics on my cell phone.  She asked, "how do you find time to do that?"  It made me feel good to hear her say that.  I often worry that I don't spend enough time in the studio.  I worry about alot of things, but I think that one bothers me most.  It's like every minute I'm away from the studio, I feel like I'm cheating myself, being lazy, not doing what I "should" be doing.  I just don't know how to accept myself....yet.  I set these impossibly high standards for myself, that I often don't meet.  Standards that I would never expect from another person, oddly enough.  Never mind societal acceptance.  How does one gain acceptance of the self exactly?  I've at least gotten rid of the self hatred I had in my teens, 20's.  And, I'm not constantly judging my every move either.  There's just this nagging idea every now and again that says "you shouldn't be doing this, it would be better if you did that, your wasting your day, if you don't (enter given activity) today....you'll regret it later and be mad at yourself.  It's happening even now as I type.  Why didn't I ever learn that it was OK to do what I want to do?  I'm rolling along fine, living how I want to live and wham YOU CAN'T DO THIS!  Well, I guess I know why, but how does one make that feeling go away?  Acceptance.  I can't change it.  It's there.  It's a feeling, a fear, and that doesn't make it "real".  Maybe I haven't figured out or found acceptance for myself because I don't know what the feeling is that I'm looking for.  Maybe it's just accepting things, myself, one situation at a time, moment to moment for what is....moment to moment, what is...I'm off to meditate.   

Picking up framed piece today, titled Samadhi, which is something kind of elusive in the studio lately.  That's always the struggle I suppose.  The old question, "are you walking, walking?".  But in this case it's painting, painting.  Need to meditate today, speaking of that.  My breathing is shallow, feeling some non-descript unrest.  I guess anxiety rears it's ugly head, whether or not we know why.  I think maybe I just have too much going on.  Two shows up, apps in for 2 more, another one due April 1, day job struggles, when will I get a store?, etc, 4k water treatment system broke at home, cat has cancer, worried about my friend who is in an absolutely horid relationship situation, credit card debt up the ass......and on and on.  Actually, things could be much, much worse.  In fact, many times in the past, they have been.  Probably just non-descript anxiety because the little "bits" that are going on "tickle" my past struggles.  Odd how that works.  Not sure what the rest of the day will bring, run some errands, take a walk, paint, meditate.  Some, none or all of the above.....

     It's odd that I haven't thought to explain the website title at all on here yet....  Here goes.  About 10-11 years ago when I lived in Philadelphia, I was driving around near the convention center with my current boyfriend and his best friend.  We were preparing to make a trip to Rome at the time and I had a rental car to get around in.  Traffic was bad and I was flying through the back alleys and side streets, exclaiming how easy it was to bypass the traffic by zipping here and there through the alleys.  This guy's best friend, who incidentally hated me and I think was jealous in some way, all of a sudden says, "woah, settle down there Zipnstein".  I know he didn't mean it as a compliment, but in any event, I liked the name...it had a certain ring. 
     I've never been one to fit in with the mainstream exactly right, even though part of me wanted to do so.  I guess you could even say I've been through life's back alleys, traveling different routes, sometimes at full out speed.  No matter how you label it, it's been my way, my route and I've followed it because I felt it to be right for me.   
     What I've come to understand is that I'd rather be truly myself than wear a mask of what I think others find acceptable or what they'd "prefer" that I'd do.  So...insult or not, I consider the label "Zipnstein" to be a badge of honor.  I figure it's better to take the trip through life with joy, allowing myself to do what I consider to be best, all along the way, than try to conform to some idea (which incidentally only occurs in my own head anyway) of what I think others expect from me.  After all, when the road ends for any of us, it's you who were really driving the whole time, not some "backseat driver" who was only along for part of the ride.

20 minutes before I leave for work...enough time to do a drawing, yet here I sit blogging.  I guess because it's been a while since I've been on here and I don't want to make myself late for work. I do tend to lose track of time in the studio. 
     The drawing marathon at Lafayette was great.  I only stayed for 9 hours, but it was very productive.  I am so pleased with the work.  I posted two of them on The Figure page. 
     Kind of dragging my feet a bit on the current self portrait, not sure if it's fear or what.  Sometimes it's good to just leave things alone when I get scared of "ruining it".  Mostly it's because the work is done and I just can't see it yet.  With this one, I'm not sure, so there it sits. 
Still waiting on a response from Ceres and I don't hear from Harrisburg museum until April 30th.  Small works application is due April 1st, so I need to get proper photos of the work completed.  This beautiful weather helps, outside shots are always best.  And off I go... 

Bit of work in studio yesterday and more today.  Not sure where the pieces are "going"...but going is good in any event.  Five more days off from day job.  Still working here and there on the "day job" portrait, but also not sure of it's direction.  When it's done, it's done, as usual I suppose.  It's good to have some time off, balance is key.