The Kettle Creek Auction was last night.  I donated two prints.  The whole event was really fun.  I would have liked to have seen my work raise more money for the event, but that's probably just sour grapes over framing costs.  It did remind me that I had been thinking about working in standard framing size to make it both easier on myself and also make framing more accessable to anyone wanting unframed work.  Today I framed a figure gesture and small painting in regular old retail frames...and I have to say, I can't tell the difference.  No time to get into the studio today.  I'm taking the aforementioned works to a party celebrating my Mom and stepdad's wedding anniversary, as well as his birthday.  The painted landscape is for him.  It is one of the first paintings I completed last summer after not painting in over 8 years.  He has always been so encouraging of my artwork, especially when I had stopped.  He would always ask if I was painting again and talk about how much he loved my work.   It means alot to give him one of those first "starting over" pieces.  The other is a life drawing gesture of a woman that they both knew when they first got together (mid 70's).  Turns out she was a life drawing model at my university when I "grew up".    

I spent some time out in the vegetable garden today and working a bit on the rock/moss garden out front.  I imagine it will look a bit like a combination of Spiral Jetty with a shape more like the golden section.  It's peaceful working out there and totally engrossing.  I don't think about anything else but moving rocks and digging.  It's a nice feeling.  This week I'm on vacation before starting at a new work location.  I think that I'll use the time to finish the current color tests, as I am getting a bit bored with the process of late.  Probably just have to crank it up to 8 tests a day minimum and finish up.  My mind has been wandering to texture ideas, as well as printmaking elements I want to explore.  It's nice to have work I want to focus on again instead of feeling guilty about not painting at all.  The zazen has been good.  Although I can't sit for long periods at a time yet, I'm enjoying it very much.  At stressful times during the day I often imagine/remember "sitting" and it calms me.  The process of balancing my life has been more important than the actual painting itself.  It has allowed for the painting to happen. 

5 more colors to go.  I was out of the studio for a few days.  The longer I stay out, the harder it is to go back in.  I need to remember that.  Today when I got up, I ate breakfast, drank coffee and played some WOW, as per usual.  During that time I had my daily struggle with myself over what to do first, will I paint, will I read, blah, blah, blah.  So I went to a time tested source for help: http://www.daibosatsu.org/dbzindex.html and checked out the daily schedule outline for sesshin.  I've only been to one in my life and it was at least 10 years ago, but I figured if anything would be a good routine to clear my mind, it would be the daily practice schedule.  Breakfast:  check, Chanting: no way, Keith is asleep, Teisho:  substitute my Mumonkan reading, Zazen:  self explanatory and Daily work:  studio.  This worked great and I think it may become my morning routine, minus the WOW...we'll see, I'm a bit addicted to that game.  June 1st I'll be transferring to a new work location, after a week long vacation.  I really want to spend the next few weeks solidifying a daily routine, so I don't lose my life/work balance with the changes of a new location:  longer drive, new people, higher volume sales, less free time, etc. 

Here's something that stood out in today's reading:

"Positive samadhi is a total involvement with some object or activity.  Thus a painter, as he picks up his brush, will become completely concentrated in his involvement with painting-his painting samadhi....But (this is an involuntary state).  Voluntary samadhi can be attained first through absolute samadhi, which constitutes the essential foundation for all samadhi.  Being well practiced in absolute samadhi, you can enter positive samadhi at will.  Truly, it is a delightful thing!  Fixing your eyes upon it, a blade of grass, even a stone at the roadside, begins to shine with the beauty of its essential nature.  You are in closest intimacy with the object."

How wonderful it would be to live in that state at will.  It's interesting that I began these color studies due to a longing for my lost ability to regularly "be in the zone" when painting.  Since last July I experienced some success, but it has been hit or miss, mostly miss.  It is good that I have begun my Zen studies and zazen practice once more.

No studio yesterday.  I was extremely tired after 12 hours at work and no matter how disciplined I am, I just don't go in there before work in the morning at 6am.  Yesterday at work I felt myself getting angry at people for how they acted, what they asked for, when they asked for it and I pre-judged alot.  Again and again I reminded myself that my anger was due to my expectations and inability to accept the situation as it was.  I kept coming back to "when your mind attaches itself and makes a problem of what there is or is not".  I make the problem myself from both my expectations and judgements.  Just because I judge someone to be a certain way, is it so?  Just because I expect things to be a certain way, will they turn out that way?  And who says my perceptions are correct or even matter anyway?  They are all "problems" that my mind makes on it's own.  I am very lucky that I have a job with very simple guidelines and priorities.  It can become for me a very zen experience if I stay focused and present.  As I was putting out new produce and thinking to myself "are you focusing on this act, are you 'walking, walking'?", etc, I kept getting images in my mind of what I wanted to do next in the studio and new process ideas popped into my mind.... I had one of the precious few moments in recent months that I was excited to create and there was no self depricating background thought of, "what does it matter?  it'll turn out crappy anyway....and worst of all, I refuse to go in there just because 'I should'."  I really hate it when the "I should" thought creeps up in any situation, because I instantly rebel when that happens, whether it be excercise, painting, cleaning or going out in the garden.  How sick is that, when I enjoy all of those things?  It really does make me laugh out loud when I consider it. 

This morning I started some new studies and will get back to them after I see the massage therapist and chiropractor.  I'm working on changes related to drying times at the moment.  I also posted the rest of the existing studies this morning.

Thinking of adding all color tests to the WIP page tomorrow.  Today was a great day.  Baking, Zazen, bought a book, lunch with Ken, Pilates, and came home very tired.  Not sure why, but I forced myself into the studio, when I would have been content to just go to sleep early.  I had to remind myself that they are only studies and no matter how much or what I may have liked from the previous days' tests, I was still in there to test color and observe.  Easier said than done. 
I have a feeling I'm going to learn about more than color in this process.  And that is good.

Some quotes that stuck out in my reading today from Sekida's translation of Mumonkan: 

"But when your mind attaches itself and makes a problem of what there is or is not, then the feeling comes of being a victim of events, of falling under the yoke of causation.  A child does not feel such a yoke.  He simply lives life as it happens and enjoys it because he lives in samadhi."

"Man is absorbed in his own actions in the moment of sitting down, standing up, taking a step, opening a door, or raising his hand or finger.  But is he really acting in a state of true samadhi?  True samadhi controls not only momentary attention but also the whole stream of consciousness:  that is, the trend of the mind."

"There is a crucial moment in one's life when determination decides one's destiny."

 

.....I need to start practicing again....

 

I'm just in the middle of today's "studies", cad yellow light and cad red light.  Temporary drying break.  It's so funny but before I stopped painting for all of those years, I used to describe my work as "color studies".  When I started painting again, I got so hung up on the finished product that I detached from the process.  It was no longer a "conversation" between myself and the paper.  Since last July, every once and a while, I would break into the "zone" and become unattached to the end result, truly being present to the work at hand.  This color test/study process has been very freeing so far.  I don't go in there worrying about making "art".  I just go in to learn.  And isn't that what the creative process is all about?  Learning about your medium and yourself in the process.  I am grateful.

Day two of color testing, will be updating via photos on the work in progress link.  Thinking of incorporating print process somehow.  It's funny.... going into the studio to just color/process test has generated some ideas and taken away my anxiety over creating a piece of art.  Learning about myself as an artist after my 8 year "break" (started again July 2008) is turning into an exciting experience.  Also, started rock/moss garden in front yard yesterday.  It seems to be an inspiring process as well.