"The proper utilization of our intelligence and knowledge is to effect changes from within to develop a good heart."  Been thinking of this idea alot lately.  Also keeping unecessary/unproductive anger at bay.  Pops up now and again and when I become aware of it, I am truly able to recognize it and allow it's passing.  I am grateful for the work I am doing to achieve a more loving heart.  When someone makes me angry, I look into their eyes and make a connection.  It is useful to use the tool of imaging that person is my mother or father.  The anger I have (and sometimes we both shared) melts away.  An amazing and rewarding phenomenon.  I spoke to my sister and mother recently about the many years and ways that I have sought inner peace.  Without this, I know I would not be here today.  It started in my late teens.  Alateen, Alanon, CODA, therapy, meditation, re-parenting classes, my art(always), the monastery, running, more therapy, reading, reading, reading the teachings of the Dalai Lama.  Practice has become the biggest learning experience of all....And not just meditation practice, but putting those teachings into action.  Love, tolerance and generosity grow in me each day.  It is often a battle.  Win or lose, it is a constant process.  I love process, in both my art and my life.  It's funny that I now see this in writing, because I've struggled so many times with focusing on the end result.  Maybe, if only for a moment, I have reached the conclusion I've always wanted, to be present and enjoy the process.  

Impromptu 5 day vacation from work this week.  Sometimes there are little miracles.  Spent about an hour in the studio so far today and I plan on spending more.  I finished up a small piece today.  I'm not sure what I think about it, but I just knew to stop....usually I don't listen to that "it's finished" thought.  This week I hope to get in lots of friends and family time, that really helps me in the studio and of course with my overall mental state.  Feels good in there today....more to come. 

"You have to create 500 pieces of crap to create one masterpiece" -George Sorrels.  I often remind myself of George saying this.  At the time when he said it, I felt at the top of my game and didn't really understand.  Now when I am unhappy with a days results in the studio, I repeat it to myself.  It's unfortunate, but it's always a let down when I complete my daily work and I am displeased with the result.  I wish this wasn't true of me but alas, it is.  I still have some wierd issue being valued because of "what I do" and being an approval seeker....even if the approval is being given by myself.  So what do I do?  I continue to try to create the circumstances that create balance and happiness in my life:  meditation, reading, excercise, time with family and friends, being in nature and painting more regularly (increases my chances of success...500).  Today I am in and out of the studio, current stuff on WIP page.  Just keep working..... 

Studio struggles lately.  Work not turning out as expected, or wanted...it happens.  So I took a break and went outside to do some hake brush sketches.  They are posted on the WIP page.  Have some ideas working in my mind regarding the print process, but nothing clear to talk about.  

Today's agenda:  replenish painted business cards, work on print plates, veggie garden, pay bills, cook, test textures, clean studio, rock garden...hope dentist doesn't eat up too much time.

Finally got the new shots on my computer from Jill's farm today.  Did the editing and now they are ready to use for prints as well as painting composition.  Also had a successful test run of the new "no press bed" print process.  Posted some of the photos and the test print on the WIP page.  I really was fascinated by the cows at the farm.  To see an animal, another being, that size standing in front of me left me somewhat in awe.  The best part was that they seemed as interested in me as I was in them.  Just an altogether cool experience.  So, seems like a strange turn of subject matter from the outside perspective, but, "it is what it is".  Gotta love them cows.   

Not much going on today...work.  Came home and went into studio to continue work on a collograph process that I am testing out, laid down a layer on a painting and sorted some photos to be used later for some block printing.  Yesterday I found a local Rinzai zendo that I'm going to look into.  Can't beleive there's one only minutes away, amazing.  Work again tomorrow, but I'm off Wednsday, so I can work all day in the studio.  I'll post progress pics then.

I finally added the "free art" section to the site.  The whole idea of creating the site last summer was to create a site were I could display my work and give some of it away to people who are interested.    I wanted to find a way that I could give something of myself for the benefit of others.  It's taken almost a year to get through my attachment issues et al.  Anyway, if your reading this blog and interested in my work, this month's "raffle" work is posted under the offering heading.  At the end of this month, I'll randomly draw a name from applicants who use the site's contact page.  I will mail the work to the recipients address, free of charge.  At some point in the future I may set up a paypal to absorb shipping costs, but for now I just wanted to get the ball rolling....and honestly 5 bucks a month isn't going to kill me. 

In the studio today I am working on some color pieces and starting a print/collograph process without a press.  Hopefully I can come up with a solution.  I've posted the start of each painting as well as the figure study I'll be using on the prints on the WIP page. 

The ability to see and appreciate what there is.

Not what there isn't.

Not what I have...(Can we ever really have or posses anything?)

...But what is.

To be present.

To be alive.

To appreciate the is.

     Why do I always feel the need to apply order to things?  Apply rules?  "Oh, I should do daily paintings now"...Why the need to define?  "Here's what it is...Here's the conclusion...I've got the solution now...It's right...It's perfect...No more struggle".  But isn't the end of stuggle, the end?  Isn't struggle inherent in life?  Why do I insist on focusing on the outcome and not the journey?  Isn't the ultimate outcome death?  I want to be present.

     So off to my reading I went with these thoughts and focused on these excerpts..."1.  The Truth of Suffering The nature of conditioned existence is suffering.  Aside from the obvious suffering of physical pain, all of our experiences are based on impermanent and changing factors.  Due to that basic truth, suffering is inherent in everything we experience.  2.  The Truth of Cause Suffering is caused by "thirst"-craving or desire.  Because all desires are based on the faulty notion of a permanent and independently existing self, the real basis of suffering is ignorance of our true nature."...."In our practice of the Dharma, we seek to transcend the situation in which we all find ourselves:  victims of our own mental afflicitions, the enemies of our peace and serenity.  These afflictions-such as attachment, hatred, pride, greed, and so forth-are mental states that cuase us to behave in ways that bring about all our unhappiness and suffering." The Dalai Lama

     It's been a great while since I've been on, same amount of time since I've been in the studio.  Today I am almost finished the studies, just black and white on top of diox purple to go.  The paint is drying now or else I'd update the WIP page.  What have I learned?  Well, it hasn't gone as expected and I'm not sure how much I've actually learned about color or if I've even regained my painting "vocabulary".  In the beginning I insisted that I needed to "relearn" what I had "forgotten" about color and my process.  I still don't remember the old process, but I'm not the same person I was when I stopped 9 years ago.  Why should my work be the same?

     So, here's where I'm at.  I really enjoy the act of laying down the "gestures" in the first part of the process.  Oddly enough I am more interested in the movement/compostion than I am in the color layering effects.  Sort of reminds me of Kandinsky.  Why call them gestures?...well, they make me think of doing gestures in life drawing studio.  Every day we'd get around 15-30 minutes of one minute poses to capture the figure and "warm up".  I guess every study has been a warm up of sorts for me, a start.  This time however, there's no model to look at, just the forms, lines and shapes that come quickly from my mind. 

     I have opened up my thinking regarding what I want to do/explore, but no permanent answer to "do I know what type of artist (I) want to be?" (as a friend very intuitively inquired when I expressed my struggles of late in the studio).  Let me think about that one.  I enjoy the time I get to spend in the studio, though it has been very limited.  Work days have been long and gruelling this past month.  When I get home I just want to eat and vegetate into oblivion in front of the computer.  After today I am reminded of how engaging even 30 minutes in the studio can really be.

  So in answer to the "what type of artist" question: at this point I'd say I want to be one who explores.  This process has been about opening creative pathways and thoughts for me.  About letting my mind go to really think about what I'd like to try and where the next step may lead.  It's been about remembereing that I do have a creative mind that needs to be fed by the creative process, not just back episodes of Hell's Kitchen on hulu (I don't know why, but I love it when he calls people "donkey", cracks me up).  The quest continues I suppose, I'll keep feeding my mind, keep reading, keep painting, keep meditating....and a little Gordon Ramsey doesn't hurt either.  

     Anyway, I'll update the shots tomorrow and write some more.